What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
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Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.