If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
You Might Also Like
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
But wait…
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Meeeee too!
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
This story is comedy gold 😂
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.