‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
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Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Wait a second…
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?