Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
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Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊