It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
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Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
groan^2
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that