I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
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Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
set yourself free xox
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.