I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
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He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Our lord and savoury.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry