I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
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“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?