Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
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Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Oops
Siri: Retweet me.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.