“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
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I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Some people were born into their job.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early