People who complain about parties must not like free food.
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As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.