I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
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Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Someone just threatened to call me later
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook