People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
You Might Also Like
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.