After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
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I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”