Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
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spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?