boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
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She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.