I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
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Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone