Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
#titanic
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
These are my roll models.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.