[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
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GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
The first one, obviously
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
wtf is a larm clock?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”