*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
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Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Holy moly
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Fries, not lies.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”