My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
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*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
this post was so formative to me
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
remember
only for emergencies
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.