I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
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[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night