Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
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[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.