What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
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My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.