This chloroform smells expensiv…
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BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.