what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
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[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Don’t snitch tag.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.