me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
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keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.