Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
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I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.