My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
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David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?