As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
You Might Also Like
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.