“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
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Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
sliding into dms like
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning