My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
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Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.