Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
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I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
#math
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Uh oh…
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.