Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
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Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan