Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
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Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
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Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb