The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
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Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
#Caturday
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
scared to check what name she chose