High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
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Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Knock Knock
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
LOOOOOOL
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good