[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
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Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.