When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
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Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
What’s a Messi?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes