Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Huge, if true.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
The French word for sex is croissant.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever