A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
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Stop sending me this shit.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
White Castle for the Win