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My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
#growingpains
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”