I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
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Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
This was the best day of my life
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
“OMGJK” -atheists
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring