The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
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Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti