Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
You Might Also Like
had to make it
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
This is enough internet for the day.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?