3% human
97% stress
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Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.