[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
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Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
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My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.