My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You Might Also Like
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive