You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
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Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”