It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
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They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first